25 Reasons Why Living in America Sucks
1. Having to shout "Don't hurt me I'm from Canada, no, no REALLY…I'm from Canada", every time you go to another country.
2. Having complete hat, shirt, and undies that say, "I heart Canada" on them.
3. Having to memorize endless trivia about Canada before you go anywhere.
4. Having the urge to scream "It's a touchdown you motherfucker", during a particularly moving scene in an opera.
5. Working in a company so big that you've said "sorry I'm not too good matching names to faces", every day for the last ten years-too people who've been working there longer than you have.
6. Knowing the name of the song on the radio six seconds after it starts playing…no matter what channel
7. Two thousand two hundred and sixty-seven channels and absolutely NOTHING is on.
8. Having sixty different sodas to choose from that all taste the same
and picking the most expensive one because the can is "neat".
9. Arguing weather "big brother" is really watching, on your lunch break, in view of video cameras.
10. Having to pass through a metal detector to pee.
11. Having pet names for your neighbors in place of real ones.
12. If you are male: In high school…having to dress up in tights, chase a ball, and wrestle other men in tights…to prove you aren't gay.
13. The Spice Girls
14. Titanic (the movie)
15. If you are an artist: Having to hit people over the head and drag
them into your underground "lair", because Dammitt you WILL have an audience.
16. If you are STILL an artist: As your final act of defiant existential protest…cooking your audience and eating them with Fava
beans…getting bad reviews because cannibalism is "passe".
17. Becoming suddenly depressed when you realize the majority of your best friends are material objects.
18. Becoming more depressed when you realize you have more of a "bond" with these objects than your "human" friends.
19. Nine out of ten of the cards you receive in the mail on your birthday start out… "To our valued customer".
20. Spending two hours on an electronic voice mail message-still not finding the correct department.
21. Having an electronic operator tell you that it "won't take that kind of rudeness from a caller", and hanging up on you.
22. If you are female or a creative male: being attacked by hordes of zealous sixteen-year old storeclerks, all wearing eight-inch heels, sporting two-foot hair and M16's…for taking more than fifteen minutes in the dressing room. Having to buy the dress anyway because it has bullet holes in the ruffles.
23. You're brother, aunt, sister, half uncle, twelve half sisters and half brothers from four different marriages (two by each parent), step brother, twice removed cousin, and ex-grandfather in law all live in different states, don't know your first name and conference call…on
you're bill, every Thanksgiving.
24. You find yourself wearing black from head to toe, inviting your friends over for a buffet, and building a mini-coffin when you're giga-pet stops functioning.
25. Still flushing you're fish.